Angry person.

I recently discovered about myself. I'm a super angry woman. When I'm angry I feel like smashing and punching someone on their face. Really. I'm totally controlling my anger now. I told my friend yesterday, "I can't contain this enragement anymore."

I figured maybe it was caused by events that happened in my days recently. I was pissed off, clueless, and angry! What the hell! Argh. I've never punched anyone on their face before, but now I really want to do it. Wall. Yeah. Wall, I punched u before. What a relief. But never seem to be enough. 

All the swearing words were out from my mouth. F**k. What the hell. Out of my mind. Anger shooh u! 

What a different person I am now. I think all this while I've been containing my anger. I had a full bag of patience last time. Last year. FULL. PACKED with PATIENCE. Now I dont have it anymore.  Why? Coz it's exploding!!!! 

What the hell. F**k.

Rational. Come here u. 

Miscommunication.

I wish I were a tree, I wish I was a tree. Whatever the grammar is, what I really mean is I don’t want to hear anything. I just want to be still, no feelings. But I can’t. It is just not me. I sometimes wonder, am I a good friend, am I a good listener, did I or have I made my friend happy, am I an ignorant person? Coz my mind is too messed up with this conflict now. Way too messed up. And I wish I were a tree. For a moment.

I don’t know how to mend this heart. I feel depressed. This whole week is a test for me. I hate myself for being like this. How many people have I ignored, how many people that I have made to tears? Sometimes, I just don’t know how to handle it. Only tears. Tears are like my best friend now. Sometimes it doesn’t want to flow out as usual, coz my heart feels hurt.

I am just being myself. But now, it is almost like everyone misunderstands me. Or am I thinking too much? Sigh. Pitiful. Silence is golden, my best friend said. Ya, Maybe I should be. It’s better than talking and misunderstood by anyone. Coz it’s hurtful.

Silent is the way. Probably.

What an emotional night.

I have tonnes of things to achieve this year. As usual, things that u plan are not necessarily achievable. It takes time and effort to realize your plan. The days that I've been through last year taught me a lot of things. A lot. Patience, courage, responsibilities.. The qualities to become a better person. I was told by my real good friends, I was not the person they used to know. Time has changed me. From what they told, it seemed to be ugly. And honestly, it was ugly. I was not Andy like they used to know. For some reason, I have to admit. I'm thankful and grateful for the people around me. Best friends, they are the only persons that know me so well. U guys are my family here. Even though some of u are not here with me, u know u guys are always in my heart. 

Nawal and Aj Don. U guys are already in my blood since we became so close together, u guys have seen everything about me. In and Out. Thanks for being such wonderful friends all this while and  during my days as a student. U guys have actually made me a different person. A better one of course. Totally different, and I love you guys so much. 

Fatin Osman, though I only knew u for awhile, it's like i've known u forever. I have to admit what Encik Ketchup told me, I'm lucky to have u as a friend. And I'm sad that u are not here, but there's always a blessing in disguise. U r there for some reasons. Good one I hope. But even u r so far, I can feel u here. Thanks for lending me ur shoulders and shared the tears with me all this while. I hope u'll be happy always. Ich habe dich liebt Fatin Osman.

Christina Wang, my twin, my colours, my sleeping partner when I'm scared, my bolster and my adorable pet.. who is always there for me. Thank you for sharing with me everything about life. U know that's our fav topic. And that's the only topic that we never get bored with to the extend of talking about it 24/7. So much similarities we have. Mahal na mahal kita pok. 

Thambi, my beloved adek. One of the guys that I could really trust. Always caring for us, and never tired of asking if we have reached home after meeting him. I highly admire ur care, ur support and you, as a son. U can really be a good father and a husband, and ur wife will be so lucky to have u in her life. Kaddelikirei thambi.

Naim,  Thank you for giving me opportunities to sing ur beautiful tunes. It was hard at first to work with u, but I like challenges. I found it very challenging working with u, so I considered myself having achieved something whenever u r satisfied with my work, or my singing. I'm so glad that we have worked something out. I'm honestly inspired by you to make music. U r one of the persons that I highly respect. Thank you so much. Love u beb. Muah!

Arja Lee and YK, these are the two people that always make me laugh. Thank you for cheering up my days. 

Lovers come and go, but friends remain forever. 

I love you guys. From the bottom of my heart.

The story behind bloggers.

I'm not capable of writing any good stories. I'm here just to share my thoughts. I don't know who is going to read this, but as far as I am concerned, there's only me. Or Nawal probably. Sharing thoughts/ideas in blogs, that's the easiest way to convey whatever feelings they have inside.

There are bloggers in this world that write stories about people. Criticizing, backstabbing etc. For me, whatever the blogger is writing is for their own satisfaction. Probably they dont have the courage to speak out, so they write. Or they speak out, but it doesnt satisfy them, so they write.

Anyway, I'm not a good blogger. I just write whenever I have free time, or feel like becoming a writer. I used to write before, but my interest in writing has stopped. Dnt ask me why. Hopefully, this year I can write more. I'm sure I have lotsa things to share with u all.

I should have a concept in every post that I'll make. Bukan macam ni. This is merapu.

End.